New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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