Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
