evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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