She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I see more hoeing in ur future
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
