who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
