And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
