Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
