I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
