I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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