I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
