There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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