im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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