Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Farmville is her only friend.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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