scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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