I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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