Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
