i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
