I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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