Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I think my nap took me to another dimension
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
