I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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