I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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