hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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