We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
this beer tastes like vomit already
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
