This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
