Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
