i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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