The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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