i love accidental penises.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
