just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
