I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Rumble strips road head = magical
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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