My sheets look like a crime scene.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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