I wannas sexs uuuuu
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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