I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
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