meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
