Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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