I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
