I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize