Who wears a wallet chain?!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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