I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
