the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
