He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
