And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize