I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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