i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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