I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
