I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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