: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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