Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
