I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
