kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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