So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
