We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
