Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
