Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
