How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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