i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
