wanna go halves on a baby?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
