moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
