i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
