I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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