never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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