I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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