Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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