Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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