just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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